Thoughts for Election Night

I was too young to vote in 1997. My memories of that election are scant: a few posters advertising Nu Labour on Smithdown Rd, Tony Blair’s smile and the “Things Can Only Get Better” theme tune, but even at the tender age of 13 I could tell that something significant had happened - John Major, that “big bag of fuck all” had been ousted and 18 years of calamitous (for Liverpool at any rate) Tory rule had come to an end. Out in the schoolyard the day after, we pretended we knew what we were talking about and Michael Gandy, the friend voted ‘most likely to enter politics’ went around telling everyone what a momentous day it was.

A lot of things have changed since then, Mike never did enter politics, Tony Blair’s smile has long since faded (like his hair colour) and we’re again at the stage where, if things can’t only get better, then they really can’t get much worse, can they?

Except there’s no doubt in my mind that they can.

Back in 1983, on the eve of what, up ‘til then, had been the lowest point in Labour’s electoral performance, Neil Kinnock addressed a nation about to extend Thatcher’s reign with the words, "I warn you not to be ordinary. I warn you not to be young. I warn you not to fall ill. I warn you not to get old." He knew Labour were about to lose and he knew what the era of Thatcherite politics would mean for the people of Britain. He was right on both counts.

Even without the certainty that tomorrow will bring a new Tory Prime Minister, the possibility that David Cameron could get into Downing Street is still very real and then, in my mind at least, things will get a whole lot worse.

My hatred for the Tories is instinctive, after all they’ve done nothing to me. I was 13 when they left power and spent most of the 80s and 90s playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and riding my bike, so Tory economic policy had little effect on me at the time. Now, however, I can see what they’re up to. I can look back at misery and destitution they forced upon millions and I can look at them now and see not much has changed. Despite Cameron’s claim that it’s "the most vulnerable, the most frail and the poorest" that he cares about, there is nothing I can see that suggests that this time, things will be different.

Cameron joined the Conservatives in 1988. He saw what they were doing, to the poor, to the miners, to the rising unemployment and thought that it was right, that it was proper. That he agreed with Thatcher’s policies and thought “these are the people who best represent my interests”. If they do get to power, and even if he has changed, the Tory backbenchers haven’t. With their anti-EU, anti-AGW, anti-gay, pro-big corp agendas, they will keep the Tories as the party for the rich, the privileged, the upper middle-classes, despite Cameron’s rhetoric. He has no power over them, and they hold powers of veto over him. They will make sure he toes the Party line. They’re the ones we have to watch out for.

I have no ties to Labour. Politics wasn’t much discussed in our house when I was growing up; the closest we ever got was my uncle running for the Acne Party in the Chesterfield by-elections of 1984, in which he received a grand total of 15 votes. In the two elections in which I’ve been eligible to vote I’ve used it once for Labour and once for Lib Dem. I’m still unsure about who to vote for tonight; with the country in the state it’s in I don’t think it much matters at the moment. Yet I know who I’m not going to vote for.

I may not care who wins, but I hope to God that the Tories lose.

Best Of Guardian Gamesblog 22-28 Feb

What better way to begin this tale of the week beginning 22nd February 2010 than with the first post of the week, courtesy of Psychedelic,

“What a weekend and what a result for the mighty mighty Everton.”

What a weekend indeed, and a moment of drama from which the box took its cue, leading to bizarre postings, untamed depravity, vociferous arguments, multiple walkouts, endless lists and – could it be? – the return of GWX!

All this was yet to come, however, and Monday morning on the Gamesblog was its usual collective groan as chatterboxers settled into another week dodging work. Many drunken and on the whole boring tales of weekend escapades were told, yet this general ennui was soon to give way to salivating anticipation, however, as talk turned to the exciting news of the week. Yes, as EvilMonkey succinctly put it,

“IT'S HEAVY RAIN WEEK WOOOO”

Quantic Dream’s film noir point-and-click (or point-and-hold, or point-and-shake-the-pad, or point-an...you get the idea) adventure for PS3 was hotly anticipated by many on the ‘blog and not even a positive review from Chubster could discourage those planning to pick it up on release day. It was left to brand new PS3 owner LazyBones to provide the sole voice of discontent, declaring it ‘flawed’ and to have the worst control scheme of any game he’s ever played. Fortunately he’d admitted to liking Home earlier on in the day and so we can henceforth discount his opinion on anything. EvilMonkey then set the challenge of coming up with a game that isn’t flawed and, never one to shirk the opportunity to create a list, the ‘Box rallied magnificently. Judging by the overly nostalgic responses, however, to be flawless a game must have 2-dimensional graphics, no more than two controls and have arrived on the scene no later than 1995. That’s what you get for asking a forum of middle-aged boys their ideas of perfection.

Everybody seemed to be getting along nicely until SageSmith made the heinous error of revealing a SPOILER, letting slip that a power station features at some point during Heavy Rain’s multi-layered storyline. Despite his protests, he was duly chastised for this major infraction of blog etiquette and what followed turned into a surprisingly heated discussion about the nature of a SPOILER, as well as the inevitable list of spoilers people have experienced throughout their lives. Just in case you missed them: it’s a sledge; she has a penis; it’s Kevin Spacey; he’s dead. Oh, and a word of warning – please don’t read this last paragraph if you’re overly sensitive about spoilers.

A combination of Arnie quotes and iPhone praise (even CunningStunt is going to get one) calmed the box down during the late afternoon and dizzyisanegg resolved that nobody should talk about Heavy Rain until at least 2012. Fortunately for those sensitive to such matters, THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT A SPOILER tags were seen attached to posts throughout the rest of the week.

Thankfully by Tuesday the general abuse and banter were down to their normal background levels. Almost normal anyway, as our resident hedonist TonyHayers still hadn’t made an appearance from the weekend. In the absence of such a stabilising force the box is liable to degenerate into talk of dice-rolling and painting miniature figurines, but instead HereComesTreble was there to save us by restarting the ‘debate’ over the best martial (Note to Smike: not ‘marital’) arts films ever. This topic is no stranger to the blog and familiar lists in which Bruce Lee rubs shoulders with Tony Jaa and Rutger Hauer were soon spewing forth from the collective geek mind. Questions must be raised however when there is nary a mention of Steven Seagal yet ImperfectRex can espouse the unchallenged opinion that Grosse Point Blank with John Cusack “features probably one of the most realistic-looking fight scenes between two guys who look like they know what they're doing”. Admittedly the other guy is Benny ‘The Jet’ Urquidez but come on, John Cusack?

Glasses were raised in lament after Psychedelic reposted the sorry tale of St00, victim of a cruel new work-based IT policy. Many joined in sending their messages of support to him in this trying time, which presumably he’ll never get to read as he can’t access the blog anymore and nobody really goes on the blog in their own time, do they? Not to be outdone, others saw fit to depart in more spectacular fashions this week, with both bigworv and SageSmith announcing their departures from the blog. They had varying reasons for such a dramatic step, but we don’t need to go into them here as both have since returned, seeing sense and realising that life without the blog simply isn’t a life at all. And, y’know, anything is better than work.

As one departs, however, so others join the fray and with SilverFox announcing the conception of cub No. 2, St00 was quickly forgotten to the 'box (despite reminding us of his existence with a few posts on Friday. No one can manage cold turkey). Best wishes to you, Fox, hope it all goes well. How you get the time to be so good at Wipeout as well we’ll never know. The 'Fox himself proved to be relaxed about the whole thing,

"I'll be happy with a boy or a girl. My 5 year old girl goes to school in a Villa hat and she quite enjoys a bit of footie."

At least we know where his priorities lie.

New faces also made themselves known to the blog, with Marie2490 and Marchmontrenton showing the most promise. Whether other newcomers Shevonne and BenJammin will be back is up for debate and as all their efforts were rudely censored before I had a chance to archive them for the blog, I have no idea what they actual said. I doubt either of them answered the customary initiation question, however, so their chances are slim at best.

Those who stuck around were then given the worst start imaginable for any career as a ‘boxer as GWX made a brief appearance to cause cries of disbelief from the more senior bloggers. Obviously wanting to get back to Medal of Honour: Rising Sun on the GameCube, he chose not to stick around and his visit seemed only to serve two purposes: 1) proving to the newer members that he wasn’t created just to scare them into following the blog rules and 2) causing the Chatterbox posting mechanism to implode. Little is known what happened to the blog in the wake of such a maelstrom but a post from alfienoakes the following day sums it up nicely,

"What on earth happened yesterday? I popped in just in time to see the return of the prodigal son and then it all went [CENSORED] up"

Thursday also saw the triumphant return of TonyHayers, no doubt drawn by the smell of fresh blood from the previous day. In order to cull as many as possible in the quickest possible manner, he managed to post a link so NSFW that a few bloggers had to spend their evenings browsing it in more detail. How many of the new people were lost through naively doing anything Tony tells them to do may never be known but he wasted no time in playing up to his fierce reputation. Weirdly, he refrained from posting a joke he deemed too offensive even for the ‘box, and I’m sure HenryPootle was speaking for the blog as a whole in saying “[he was] worried at this latest character development”

As well as Tony turning nice, other animals were acting strangely this week (good link, eh?) as the news broke of a captive orca attacking and killing its trainer. Although, as the ever-astute, FerrisSaved pointed out, this may not be so strange,

“Killer whale - just doing what it says on the tin. The clue is in the name.”

One has to wonder in what sort of tin you’d find killer whale but as it’s a species of dolphin your best bet is trawler-caught tuna. This news was received with the usual levels of blog sensitivity as other horrific tales involving killer whales were soon recounted, leading ImperfectRex to conclude

"My distress at a fellow human being killed is tempered by the fact that she willingly got in the water with a big toothy mammal with killer in its name.

AND it had form."

Yes, though she was standing on the side of the pool when Tilikum attacked, the news that the creature had prior record - trainer Dawn Brancheau confirmed as its third victim - did lead the blog into pondering the longterm effects of keeping a long-ranging, sociable animal confined to a tank in Florida and, crucially, on the nature of a possible serial-killer whale (thanks again to HenryPootle).

Food also featured heavily this week as the blog discussed the finer points of gravy and took on such difficult questions as is a sandwich a proper sandwich if it doesn't contain meat and therefore, in this context, does cheese count as a type of meat? Faith in the blog was restored as this topic was discussed with just as much passion/abuse as SPOILERblog from earlier in the week, proving that SOMEONE IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET can be considered a general rule of the web. For this blogger's not so humble opinion, the best kind of sandwich is a burger. You know I'm right.

Finally Friday returned to us and with the weekend just around the corner, palms were itching at the prospect of freshly arrived copies of Heavy Rain and two whole workless days to play it. A lucky few, who had cleverly ordered from a certain website that delivers the day before release day, had spent an evening on it already or, in the case of Smike, ogled the packaging. Not wanting to wait too long, pdmalcolm managed to summon the powers of nepotism to wangle a half day at work but the rest of us just had to wait. Never since the last overly-hyped release had such levels of impatience been seen on the blog. SuperSmashIn may have a gone a little far, however, by drunkenly purchasing the dynamic theme from the Sony store. Still, cheaper than a tooth.

And so we must leave our story here folks, another week in the Guardian Gamesblog. As for the football, fortunately neither Everton nor Man Utd played again this week so there's nothing more to add, but mention must be made of the PES 2v2 Tournament from Friday. Presumably hotly contested, it was won by DrStatham and SuperSmashIn, playing as France. Commiserations go to the runners up bigworv and the appropriately named Loser.

Lists of the Week

Flawless Games
Wow moments in games
Spoilers
Live Albums
Film Soundtracks
Blu-rays
Scary Games
Alternative lower body parts
Rude alternative game names

Link of the Week

Despite Tony's grand efforts, this must got to Jihad. If you wish to sponsor his run for Cancer Research UK, go here

Quote of the Week

"As for the rest of you, you lot spend far too much time thinking about my testicles!"

Yes, timthemonkey. Yes we do.

This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. Viewer discretion is advised.

Best Of Guardian Gamesblog 5-11 October

In the week that saw the news of the LHC at CERN possibly being sabotaged from a particle it created in the future travelling back through time to sabotage the experiment that created it, a little piece of the past came back the other way. What wasn’t reported in the news was that also out of History came the condensed musings of one week of Guardian Gamesblog chatter, and now, thanks to that cosmic hiccup, I present to you...

Monday, 5th October was a day like many that had passed before it, not nearly because silveryfox managed to grab a 6th first in a row, showing the level of dedication that has previously been seen only in his dedication to Wipeout. He went onto grab a 7th before the title was snatched away from him by Pokemon (not the actual creatures). It was also a cold day, with the breath of commuters crystalising in the pre-dawn air and the sudden shift to autumn was noticed by a few bloggers who dutifully complained of the cold, the dark and the way lycra shorts chafe at this time of year.

FIFA10 was on the cards for most of the day, with the blog split between those who had it, those who were desperately waiting for it and those who were steadfastly not going to get it because they had their heart set on PES. SuperSmashIn was hoping the game shaped birthday present he’d found was a copy of FIFA whilst GranaryThorax had the most heartrending story about not being able to play due to an XBox RROD, but it was mainly passed over by the unfeeling bloggers and we’ll do the same here.

Monday’s enthusiasm for the game carried on through the week, and ruminations of a chatterbox league to rival the dominance of PES, and games of 10 Chatterboxers taking on the world in the manner that had seen them do so well at Killzone, were heard from many corners. PES players were able to delight in a touch of schadenfreude be Wednesday, however, as it became apparent that FIFA online was terrible, much as it had been with PES. Only bigworv had a word of warning amidst the general revelry, cautioning,

Rather than revel in the delicious comedy of it all I'm going to take a pessimistic stance. If FIFA online is now borked, how heinous is PES10 going to be?

Only time would tell, and indeed probably has by now. There may also have been a few bloggers who don’t like football games but they don’t really matter and as for me, I’m still waiting for it to be delivered from Tesco.

More online football woe beset the ‘box this week as it became evident that the In-ger-lund Ukraine world cup qualifier would only be available online from an “entertainment company”, for a fee. SuperSmashIn, I feel, summed up the thoughts of the box when he opined,

“THIS COUNTRY”

Our lives, however, were considerably brightened by the introduction of avatars that didn’t look like chess pieces caught in a Sony Bravia commercial as Guardian allowed us to express ourselves in picture form. Charles Arthur’s eyes are all seeing, however, and many first attempts were cruelly, and probably quite rightly, rejected. Some did manage to make it through first time, and a more rounded view of our fellow chatterers was seen. Some going for the literal, as BeardofBees with his picture of a man with a beard of, well, bees I presume, although some went a bit too literal (Looking at Spew). Others went for games related avatars and a special few chose something close to their hearts, like Limni “These are a pair of Air Max 360/95 hybrids and are my holy grail” And Shewrog, who chose a picture of a doner kebab. My award for the best avatar, however, goes to Killerbee, with a picture of a bee with a minigun. What do you call a bee with a minigun? Answer: Anything it wants you to. Ahh. Comedy.

Things took a more serious note on Thursday, when ChairofRust chose to forgo the Sexual Healing column in favour of the blog’s advice on relationships,

No gaming last night as had a long and drawn out argument with the girlfriend regarding a male friend of hers who has declared his undying love for her and apparently is waiting for me to slip up....... which she sees no problem with!

AlunEvans was first to respond, with the succinct advice that “if she can't see why you're upset then she's a wierdo”. Others were more blasé about the whole affair (sorry), pointing out that the only reasons she’d have told him this were that either she didn’t take it seriously or she wanted him to start paying her more attention, neither of which are necessarily bad. Even if things do get out of hand, Killerbee reminded him that quite a few chatterboxers had already worked out ‘contingency plans’ for dealing with just this sort of situation. Plastic bags and hacksaws at the ready, gents, and don’t forget the quicklime.

Once again the blog seemed to have pre-empted all the major news sources, as news of the postal strike broken on the blog was finally repeated throughout the mainstream press. Many bloggers had already felt its effects, through delay to online shopping orders and Flaming Lips tickets which arrived a full after they were posted. Killerbee was on hand once again to provide a wise word to all,

“You'd have thought the Unions would've learned that strike action without public support for services that are no longer state monopolies is only going to be doomed to failure, but no, they still seem to be carrying on..”

Very wise words indeed. Shame no one reads this crap apart from us, eh?

And so along came Friday, starting as the week began with a first post silveryfox. Now we see the reason for his name. The man is an animal. Elsewhere on Bill Oddie’s Autumn BlogWatch, Shewrog reported to have seen a rare sighting of two women kissing close to the basketball court where he’d be quote abused unquote earlier in the week. One can only wonder. Friday continued in the same vein as the previous four days, with the majority of the chat concerning FIFA and various attempts to coordinate online play. However, other games were managing to get more a mention, with Smike whetting a few appetites with his opinions of Operation Flashpoint 2 (“probably not quite as murderously unforgiving as the original one”) and a few bloggers organising games of CIV4, but mainly it was FIFA all the way.

A few murmurs were also heard of a ‘meat-up’ happening in the far flung future, with cautionary tales about Hayers abound and discussions about suitable venues worthy of such an honour. But that, as they say, is another story...

Quote of the week

“Overreacting? (Did I mention he is better looking and covered in muscles ....... albeit with the personality of a plank of wood?)”

ChairofRust showing his fear that his girlfriend is only after him for his personality.

Best Of Guardian Gamesblog 11-17 July

The weekend had come and gone, Monday rolling round again with all the inevitability of a PSN update from HiddenAway, and as the blogsters began to surface through the fug some took umbrage with P-K1ng, testicles seemingly intact, and his frankly objectionable proclamation of it being a glorious day. It’s Monday, man, nothing glorious about it unless you’re unemployed.

Of particular note this week was the bittersweet returns from (separate) honeymoons of makar27 and Sorbicol who, faced with 600 work emails upon his arrival back at work, bravely decided to ignore them all and join us on the Box. Following up this shocking display of work-shyness, he also managed to be two hours late for work on Wednesday. Ahh, the life of the newly-wed. Well-played that man, and congratulations to both on your conjugals! That was the happiest day of your life, i.e. it’s all down hill from there. Even childbirth doesn’t cut it, “Depraved and Barbaric” as TonyHayers put it. I’m sure he knows.

Fortunately for both of them, Umboros showed him that marriage doesn’t mean gaming days are over, as despite it being his anniversary he still managed to get in some games of SF4 whilst his romantic M&S meal for two was heating in the oven. We can only hope they were fighting each other and not that he was ignoring her whilst getting his arse handed to him by online opponents. However, BarryEans needs to take a leaf out of Umboros’ book and remove himself from underneath his wife’s thumb, as he admitted he wouldn’t be joining any blog games of Grand Slam Tennis on the Wii because his wedding anniversary was on Thursday and he “won't remain married for very long if [he ends] the celebrations early to play tennis online”. Come on dude, Man up.

Unusually for GamesBlog, this week saw plenty of talk about games, with many bloggers having spent their weekends storming beaches in newly released Battlefield 1943, and despite there being a few grievances (the squad creation system, the unflyable planes and the voice comms), the overall reception has been positive. Chubster was his usual hyperbolic self, proclaiming,

Wake Island (Best game map ever? One of, surely?)

Wrong. That award goes to CS_Assault. And in the fine tradition of the Graun’s unbiased journalism, we have this from Zelos,

I just tried the BF1943 demo. It's not bad but they really have chosen the worst maps from BF1942...

After the dust had settled on the sands of Iwo Jima, unflyable planes, undrivable tanks and unwieldy sniper rifles scattered across the virtual world, occasional poster Pokemon invited us all to comment on which games we thought were the hardest we’d played, after revealing he’d been unable to unlock any achievements on Metal Slug 3. Stand out suggestions seemed to be Gitaroo Man, the original Discworld game, Ultimate Ghosts ‘n Goblins, almost anything on the Spectrum and Rhythm Tendoku on Gameboy Advance, “because it's in Japanese and trying to work out what to do is frankly impossible at times”. CommodoreSchmidlapp there with that pearl of wisdom.

Unfortunately the camaraderie was short-lived after a throwaway comment from PirateCaptain, proclaiming that he enjoyed the dialogue of the GTA games, led into a full-blown discussion about which GTA was the best, why IV was crap, why VC was the best because of the music and the styling, no, why SA was the best because it had a mountain, no, why IV wasn’t that bad after all actually… And I’ll leave it there, except to say…will you be buying GTA V?

A few bloggers finally caught up with the times and saw Transformers 2 over the weekend (McBegbie with the best summation I’ve seen for a while, “Michael Bay films should be avoided at all costs”). But generally Chatterbox reactions have been positive. Giant Transforming Robots…you can’t really go wrong. Game talk and film talk seem to be things we do quite well on the box and the big releases this week included Brüno (GamesBlog quick caption review: Not as good as Borat) and Harry Potter. I hadn’t realised it was two and a half bloody hours long. Not that I was going to see it but damn, that’s almost a Lord of the Rings. Unfortunately McBegbie blew all film review credibility by admitting that he’d been to see it through choice and then complained about the plot. Although admittedly removing the Half Blood Prince storyline from a film called Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince does seem a little nonsensical. But IT’S A KIDS FILM. Enough said. Hermione though? ('her-me-uh-ne'? her-my-uh-ne?' 'her-me-own'? ‘hermy-owny’? Much discussion ensued) Needless to say bloggers agreed she’s matured well, though not fast enough for Limni.

Games and films are all well and good, but less familiar territory for the ‘box is the world of fashion. Whether it was just the release of Brüno that spurred us on, but Lazybones felt he needed some advice on t-shirts, feeling less secure working them in his old age. Polo shirts, string vests and Shirts (rejected for their need to be ironed) were all mooted, but CraggyIsland summed my thoughts up best with,

“Is it really a good idea to be asking that question here? You’re going to end up in the upper-body equivalent of the Chino pant.”

For those who don’t like to rely on Hadley Freeman for their fashion advice, games t-shirts and band t-shirts (with tour dates) are big NOs in the GamesBlog fashion world but a smart t-shirt and jeans can be enjoyed by a man of any age. Though if you’re developing a middle-aged paunch you may want to go with dark fabrics and heavier grade cottons.

Following on from the previous week’s cheerful discussion about serious medical conditions, on Tuesday cameroon decided to give us all a scare by admitting to a DIY based head trauma that he’d suffered the previous night and how he was still feeling ‘doped up’ that morning, a condition to which he is no stranger. Ever the concerned friends, numerous bloggers advised him to go see a doctor. All that is except onedaveofmany, who instead wondered how we’d actually know if something tragic befell any chatterboxer. One has to wonder if this hasn’t happened already, with many already having disappeared without a trace. Surely all of them can’t have succumbed to vigorous IT based work policies? Numerous bloggers of old were then trotted out, along with spurious and possibly libellous suggestions for their demise. Luckily Lazybones has a solution should he ever shuttle off this mortal coil without a computer and internet connection at hand to alert us all,

If I die I'm going to push my login details into someone's hand. Lazybones will live on ...

Like a blog version of Ace Rimmer (without the catchphrase) or the Dalai Lama (without the Buddhism), as others saw fit to point out. Fortunately for us all, the doctor confirmed that cam’s head trauma was nothing serious, so he used it as an excuse to avoid going to the gym instead. Still, it was a better excuse than missing it because of the two toasties he had for lunch on Wednesday.

Thoughts of our own mortality turned into concerns about blog acquaintances struck down by the dreaded swine flu, with Bosses, colleagues, colleagues’ children/wives and other assorted tenuous relationships to the blog having come down with the porcine equivalent of manflu. P-K1ng was seen to tempt Fate itself by asking for opinions on the Pepper Pig game for the DS, for his ‘little un’. Fortunately one cannot catch diseases through a blog or, as, as Craggyisland pointed out, we would all have been joining Tony in his frequent courses of antibiotics last year. Painful peeing? Indeed.

Continuing with the morbid theme, special commiserations go to John Hartson who it was revealed had a really bad cancer-ridden week. Balls, Brains and Lungs. Worth repeating Goody’s advice to all bloggers to have a feel for lumps later. Better yet, have someone else do it for you.

Quote of the Week:

“Childbirth- our last sprog born on our bed, I had his head in my hands at the delivery tunnel just before the paramedics arrived…

Had to buy a new mattress the next day. Messy business getting a wean out. “

Mollocate gives us the facts on home birth.

NB/ This Best Of could have been longer, but I’d reached the word limit and to be honest, I had to use industrial strength bleach expunge most of Thursday and Friday from my mind.

Limni

15 Jul 09, 3:03pm (about 21 hours ago)

Hermione - I saw an interview with her, she reckons the day after her 18th birthday, she went to a red carpet event and there were photographers trying to slide under the parked car to get knicker shots for the Sport.

She was appalled to be considered fair game. I was appalled they'd missed a full day.