Thoughts for Election Night

I was too young to vote in 1997. My memories of that election are scant: a few posters advertising Nu Labour on Smithdown Rd, Tony Blair’s smile and the “Things Can Only Get Better” theme tune, but even at the tender age of 13 I could tell that something significant had happened - John Major, that “big bag of fuck all” had been ousted and 18 years of calamitous (for Liverpool at any rate) Tory rule had come to an end. Out in the schoolyard the day after, we pretended we knew what we were talking about and Michael Gandy, the friend voted ‘most likely to enter politics’ went around telling everyone what a momentous day it was.

A lot of things have changed since then, Mike never did enter politics, Tony Blair’s smile has long since faded (like his hair colour) and we’re again at the stage where, if things can’t only get better, then they really can’t get much worse, can they?

Except there’s no doubt in my mind that they can.

Back in 1983, on the eve of what, up ‘til then, had been the lowest point in Labour’s electoral performance, Neil Kinnock addressed a nation about to extend Thatcher’s reign with the words, "I warn you not to be ordinary. I warn you not to be young. I warn you not to fall ill. I warn you not to get old." He knew Labour were about to lose and he knew what the era of Thatcherite politics would mean for the people of Britain. He was right on both counts.

Even without the certainty that tomorrow will bring a new Tory Prime Minister, the possibility that David Cameron could get into Downing Street is still very real and then, in my mind at least, things will get a whole lot worse.

My hatred for the Tories is instinctive, after all they’ve done nothing to me. I was 13 when they left power and spent most of the 80s and 90s playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and riding my bike, so Tory economic policy had little effect on me at the time. Now, however, I can see what they’re up to. I can look back at misery and destitution they forced upon millions and I can look at them now and see not much has changed. Despite Cameron’s claim that it’s "the most vulnerable, the most frail and the poorest" that he cares about, there is nothing I can see that suggests that this time, things will be different.

Cameron joined the Conservatives in 1988. He saw what they were doing, to the poor, to the miners, to the rising unemployment and thought that it was right, that it was proper. That he agreed with Thatcher’s policies and thought “these are the people who best represent my interests”. If they do get to power, and even if he has changed, the Tory backbenchers haven’t. With their anti-EU, anti-AGW, anti-gay, pro-big corp agendas, they will keep the Tories as the party for the rich, the privileged, the upper middle-classes, despite Cameron’s rhetoric. He has no power over them, and they hold powers of veto over him. They will make sure he toes the Party line. They’re the ones we have to watch out for.

I have no ties to Labour. Politics wasn’t much discussed in our house when I was growing up; the closest we ever got was my uncle running for the Acne Party in the Chesterfield by-elections of 1984, in which he received a grand total of 15 votes. In the two elections in which I’ve been eligible to vote I’ve used it once for Labour and once for Lib Dem. I’m still unsure about who to vote for tonight; with the country in the state it’s in I don’t think it much matters at the moment. Yet I know who I’m not going to vote for.

I may not care who wins, but I hope to God that the Tories lose.

Best Of Guardian Gamesblog 22-28 Feb

What better way to begin this tale of the week beginning 22nd February 2010 than with the first post of the week, courtesy of Psychedelic,

“What a weekend and what a result for the mighty mighty Everton.”

What a weekend indeed, and a moment of drama from which the box took its cue, leading to bizarre postings, untamed depravity, vociferous arguments, multiple walkouts, endless lists and – could it be? – the return of GWX!

All this was yet to come, however, and Monday morning on the Gamesblog was its usual collective groan as chatterboxers settled into another week dodging work. Many drunken and on the whole boring tales of weekend escapades were told, yet this general ennui was soon to give way to salivating anticipation, however, as talk turned to the exciting news of the week. Yes, as EvilMonkey succinctly put it,

“IT'S HEAVY RAIN WEEK WOOOO”

Quantic Dream’s film noir point-and-click (or point-and-hold, or point-and-shake-the-pad, or point-an...you get the idea) adventure for PS3 was hotly anticipated by many on the ‘blog and not even a positive review from Chubster could discourage those planning to pick it up on release day. It was left to brand new PS3 owner LazyBones to provide the sole voice of discontent, declaring it ‘flawed’ and to have the worst control scheme of any game he’s ever played. Fortunately he’d admitted to liking Home earlier on in the day and so we can henceforth discount his opinion on anything. EvilMonkey then set the challenge of coming up with a game that isn’t flawed and, never one to shirk the opportunity to create a list, the ‘Box rallied magnificently. Judging by the overly nostalgic responses, however, to be flawless a game must have 2-dimensional graphics, no more than two controls and have arrived on the scene no later than 1995. That’s what you get for asking a forum of middle-aged boys their ideas of perfection.

Everybody seemed to be getting along nicely until SageSmith made the heinous error of revealing a SPOILER, letting slip that a power station features at some point during Heavy Rain’s multi-layered storyline. Despite his protests, he was duly chastised for this major infraction of blog etiquette and what followed turned into a surprisingly heated discussion about the nature of a SPOILER, as well as the inevitable list of spoilers people have experienced throughout their lives. Just in case you missed them: it’s a sledge; she has a penis; it’s Kevin Spacey; he’s dead. Oh, and a word of warning – please don’t read this last paragraph if you’re overly sensitive about spoilers.

A combination of Arnie quotes and iPhone praise (even CunningStunt is going to get one) calmed the box down during the late afternoon and dizzyisanegg resolved that nobody should talk about Heavy Rain until at least 2012. Fortunately for those sensitive to such matters, THIS IS DEFINITELY NOT A SPOILER tags were seen attached to posts throughout the rest of the week.

Thankfully by Tuesday the general abuse and banter were down to their normal background levels. Almost normal anyway, as our resident hedonist TonyHayers still hadn’t made an appearance from the weekend. In the absence of such a stabilising force the box is liable to degenerate into talk of dice-rolling and painting miniature figurines, but instead HereComesTreble was there to save us by restarting the ‘debate’ over the best martial (Note to Smike: not ‘marital’) arts films ever. This topic is no stranger to the blog and familiar lists in which Bruce Lee rubs shoulders with Tony Jaa and Rutger Hauer were soon spewing forth from the collective geek mind. Questions must be raised however when there is nary a mention of Steven Seagal yet ImperfectRex can espouse the unchallenged opinion that Grosse Point Blank with John Cusack “features probably one of the most realistic-looking fight scenes between two guys who look like they know what they're doing”. Admittedly the other guy is Benny ‘The Jet’ Urquidez but come on, John Cusack?

Glasses were raised in lament after Psychedelic reposted the sorry tale of St00, victim of a cruel new work-based IT policy. Many joined in sending their messages of support to him in this trying time, which presumably he’ll never get to read as he can’t access the blog anymore and nobody really goes on the blog in their own time, do they? Not to be outdone, others saw fit to depart in more spectacular fashions this week, with both bigworv and SageSmith announcing their departures from the blog. They had varying reasons for such a dramatic step, but we don’t need to go into them here as both have since returned, seeing sense and realising that life without the blog simply isn’t a life at all. And, y’know, anything is better than work.

As one departs, however, so others join the fray and with SilverFox announcing the conception of cub No. 2, St00 was quickly forgotten to the 'box (despite reminding us of his existence with a few posts on Friday. No one can manage cold turkey). Best wishes to you, Fox, hope it all goes well. How you get the time to be so good at Wipeout as well we’ll never know. The 'Fox himself proved to be relaxed about the whole thing,

"I'll be happy with a boy or a girl. My 5 year old girl goes to school in a Villa hat and she quite enjoys a bit of footie."

At least we know where his priorities lie.

New faces also made themselves known to the blog, with Marie2490 and Marchmontrenton showing the most promise. Whether other newcomers Shevonne and BenJammin will be back is up for debate and as all their efforts were rudely censored before I had a chance to archive them for the blog, I have no idea what they actual said. I doubt either of them answered the customary initiation question, however, so their chances are slim at best.

Those who stuck around were then given the worst start imaginable for any career as a ‘boxer as GWX made a brief appearance to cause cries of disbelief from the more senior bloggers. Obviously wanting to get back to Medal of Honour: Rising Sun on the GameCube, he chose not to stick around and his visit seemed only to serve two purposes: 1) proving to the newer members that he wasn’t created just to scare them into following the blog rules and 2) causing the Chatterbox posting mechanism to implode. Little is known what happened to the blog in the wake of such a maelstrom but a post from alfienoakes the following day sums it up nicely,

"What on earth happened yesterday? I popped in just in time to see the return of the prodigal son and then it all went [CENSORED] up"

Thursday also saw the triumphant return of TonyHayers, no doubt drawn by the smell of fresh blood from the previous day. In order to cull as many as possible in the quickest possible manner, he managed to post a link so NSFW that a few bloggers had to spend their evenings browsing it in more detail. How many of the new people were lost through naively doing anything Tony tells them to do may never be known but he wasted no time in playing up to his fierce reputation. Weirdly, he refrained from posting a joke he deemed too offensive even for the ‘box, and I’m sure HenryPootle was speaking for the blog as a whole in saying “[he was] worried at this latest character development”

As well as Tony turning nice, other animals were acting strangely this week (good link, eh?) as the news broke of a captive orca attacking and killing its trainer. Although, as the ever-astute, FerrisSaved pointed out, this may not be so strange,

“Killer whale - just doing what it says on the tin. The clue is in the name.”

One has to wonder in what sort of tin you’d find killer whale but as it’s a species of dolphin your best bet is trawler-caught tuna. This news was received with the usual levels of blog sensitivity as other horrific tales involving killer whales were soon recounted, leading ImperfectRex to conclude

"My distress at a fellow human being killed is tempered by the fact that she willingly got in the water with a big toothy mammal with killer in its name.

AND it had form."

Yes, though she was standing on the side of the pool when Tilikum attacked, the news that the creature had prior record - trainer Dawn Brancheau confirmed as its third victim - did lead the blog into pondering the longterm effects of keeping a long-ranging, sociable animal confined to a tank in Florida and, crucially, on the nature of a possible serial-killer whale (thanks again to HenryPootle).

Food also featured heavily this week as the blog discussed the finer points of gravy and took on such difficult questions as is a sandwich a proper sandwich if it doesn't contain meat and therefore, in this context, does cheese count as a type of meat? Faith in the blog was restored as this topic was discussed with just as much passion/abuse as SPOILERblog from earlier in the week, proving that SOMEONE IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET can be considered a general rule of the web. For this blogger's not so humble opinion, the best kind of sandwich is a burger. You know I'm right.

Finally Friday returned to us and with the weekend just around the corner, palms were itching at the prospect of freshly arrived copies of Heavy Rain and two whole workless days to play it. A lucky few, who had cleverly ordered from a certain website that delivers the day before release day, had spent an evening on it already or, in the case of Smike, ogled the packaging. Not wanting to wait too long, pdmalcolm managed to summon the powers of nepotism to wangle a half day at work but the rest of us just had to wait. Never since the last overly-hyped release had such levels of impatience been seen on the blog. SuperSmashIn may have a gone a little far, however, by drunkenly purchasing the dynamic theme from the Sony store. Still, cheaper than a tooth.

And so we must leave our story here folks, another week in the Guardian Gamesblog. As for the football, fortunately neither Everton nor Man Utd played again this week so there's nothing more to add, but mention must be made of the PES 2v2 Tournament from Friday. Presumably hotly contested, it was won by DrStatham and SuperSmashIn, playing as France. Commiserations go to the runners up bigworv and the appropriately named Loser.

Lists of the Week

Flawless Games
Wow moments in games
Spoilers
Live Albums
Film Soundtracks
Blu-rays
Scary Games
Alternative lower body parts
Rude alternative game names

Link of the Week

Despite Tony's grand efforts, this must got to Jihad. If you wish to sponsor his run for Cancer Research UK, go here

Quote of the Week

"As for the rest of you, you lot spend far too much time thinking about my testicles!"

Yes, timthemonkey. Yes we do.